Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
