I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
