I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
