So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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