Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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