I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
what day is it and did you see me today?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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