I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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