Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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