very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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