I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
