he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
