I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
