I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
