As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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