My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
