we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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