I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
found the other keg... it's in the tree
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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