She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
