You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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