You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
