He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
