I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
the day after is always just damage control
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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