Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
