Don't make out with my wife yet
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Is it penis luge time yet?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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