She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize