I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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