I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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