I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
