btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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