i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
