I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
