I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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