I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
