you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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