Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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