my mouth tastes like poor choices
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
