watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
