Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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