Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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