i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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