To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
