Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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