Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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