1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
