in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
