don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
