Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
