I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
