just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
