You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
