I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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