got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize