She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
