youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
