Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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