Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
FUCK WHALES
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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