I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
