Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
