I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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