I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So many bounce houses so little time
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
